letter

The Elpis Letters #5 | 16 by Writing to Breathe

16

16 year old me.

Please.

Know your worth.

Trust your instincts.

Hug your parents. Tight.

Apologise quickly.

Stand strong in your beliefs.

Appreciate true friendship.

Find the good in others.

Defend that girl.

That boy isn’t forever.

The pain is temporary.

The hurt will heal.

Find your passion.

Savour the good times.

Laugh immensely.

You will learn as you grow.

You will grow as you learn.

You will look back some day.

Your why’s will be answered.

In the meantime.

Please.

Love yourself.

Trust the journey.

~ Writing Breathe, B.P


About writing to breathe

Writing to Breathe (she/her) is thirty-five years old with a two-year-old and a one-year-old to keep her busy. She recently decided to leave the corporate world behind to focus on what she truly enjoys: writing! Although poetry is her main passion right now, Writing to Breathe is looking to delve into all types, and has started a Creative Writing course to help her master it. You can follow her writing journey on Instagram @Writing_to_breathe_ and on Facebook @WritingToBreathe.

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The Elpis Letters #4 | Blue Glitter by Robin Kinzer

Content warNing: SELF-HARM

Dearest S.,

Do you remember the blue glitter? I will never again be able to walk through a craft store’s glitter aisle, without grateful tears burning the corners of my eyes. Sun-sparkles blurring my vision. 

We were sixteen and seventeen, precisely eleven months apart in age, and I sent you an envelope full of glitter in the mail. I have to assume a love letter was included as well— I was known for fifteen page, blissed out missives. Shortly after I sent the blue glitter, life turned particularly desperate for you, burning your tender nerves more than they could take. You cracked an x-acto blade open, dagger spit forth from bright orange sheath. You sobbed, holding it to your left wrist. You pressed the aluminum shark’s tooth into your wrist’s pale flesh— practicing— dragged it lightly across your skin, a thin red line left behind.

Then, an act of the divine, an act of chance that’s enough to set teeth chattering. The envelope I’d recently sent came spilling down from the shelf above, blue glitter exploding onto your palms, your thighs, your knees. You pressed your hands to your tear-streaked face, turned even your cherub cheeks into sparkling blue.

Robin, you thought then. Robin. And that was it. You could not leave me. That’s how you always told the story. You clicked the aluminum dagger back into its sheath, away, away from your slender, precious wrists.

Somehow, it’s now twenty-five years later, and you are still my favorite person in the world. And I’m sick again, only it could be fatal this time, not just excruciating. You write every day, tell me about your new plants, your dissertation, your nieces. You send postcards in the mail, made from giant puzzle pieces— sea creatures on the front, your swoop-swirl handwriting on the back. I send postcards to you and your nieces, flower faeries and dancing sprites to remind them to dream.

Today, I dissected my apartment, portioning its contents out to the people I love. I wish someone had told me to write my Last Will and Testament when I was healthy, because writing it while sick is just scary. Just blisteringly sad. I’m curled turtle in bed when you write and say: The idea of having your physical stuff with me, if I can no longer have physical you, makes me very happy. I’m so glad to be in this messy life with you. 

I’m reminded of being eighteen and sick, endometriosis still years from diagnosis. We were rained out of our tent at a folk festival in Hillsdale, New York, clothes soggy, hair curling like untamed grapevines in the damp. That night, my abdominal pain put on a horror show, and with nowhere else to go, we slept cramped into my sister’s boyfriend’s car. I will never forget letting you run your silvered fingers over the hot throb of my abdomen. A place I never let anyone touch. Ever.

You sang to me then, something mellifluous and sweet, a love song you’d written about us. The pain still pulsated, but it also lifted just a bit, carried away by the sound of your voice floating into the star-splattered skies above us.

This messy life, indeed. I have loved you for twenty-six years, and whether I have five years left or fifty, I will love you for every second left to us. Today, I told my best friend I’d been lucky enough to have two great loves, and because of this, would be okay if I never had another. 

It is hard to need more when I already have so much. It is hard to need more when I am so saturated with love that it spills out of me like sunlight sometimes, bits of gleam pouring to the floor the second I open my mouth.

Love spills out of me like sprays of blue glitter falling to the floor, blue glitter ensuring I can write this letter to you over twenty years later, ensuring you will be there to receive it.

Lucky is a pitiful word when it comes to you and I— too small, too simple. I don’t think the word to describe our love has yet been invented, though a few come to mind. There is numinous. There is luminescent. Sublime.

There is so much left to say. So many words to be written, found, cherished. I still imagine us drinking lemonade on a porch in our eighties, rocking on a swing that glides with the ease of a sparrow’s flight. I refuse to stop believing in that future, in a bower of purple geraniums growing above us as we rock back and forth on that porch swing, so happy. So old.

I still believe. I still believe my love for you is enough to keep me alive.

Yours,

R.


ABOUT robin kinzer

Robin Kinzer (she / her) is a queer, disabled poet and sometimes memoirist. She was once a communist beaver in a PBS documentary. She previously studied psychology and poetry at Sarah Lawrence and Goucher Colleges, and is now an MFA candidate at University of Baltimore. Robin has poems recently published, or shortly forthcoming in Little Patuxent Review, Wrongdoing Magazine, Gutslut Press, Fifth Wheel Press, Corporeal Lit, Defunkt Magazine, and others. She loves glitter, Ferris wheels, and waterfalls. She can be found on Twitter at @RobinAKinzer

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The Elpis Letters #3 | Ctrl Alt Del Black Woman by Mo

The women I know used to shrink all the time,

Now, we bare our teeth,

drink the blood of our enemies,

after all anything that bleeds be unholy,

ain’t that why you call us witches?

Call us hysterical,

Call me bitch,

Bitch please.

I could swallow you whole in one bite and use your bones to pick my teeth when I’m finished.

Boy, I birthed you;

Don’t you ever disrespect your mother.

And yeah, Crystal, you were right.

Every time I walk into a room,

my black goes before me, while my woman sits in the back where she will neither be seen nor heard.

Sometimes my woman walks into the room before me, and locks my Black out because my black is too black, and the only black in the room, and my woman can not afford to be the stereotype,

even though she be angry,

even though she be right,

even though she be backbone,

even though she is too much of all to only be one,

and still she be forced to choose,

like you can separate one from the other when you are the bastard child of bondage.

My woman closes the door on my black.

My black closes the door on my woman.

My woman and my black fight every single day.

My woman, and my black be tired.

My woman and my black be so tired, cus she be everything to everybody and don’t get none of the credit for everything she gives.

And she gives,

and gives,

and gives,

till she can’t give no more, and then she gives again.

She be the meat, the bone and the marrow.

She be the cook, the pot and everything in the pot,

and still have to clean up everyone else’s mess.

And maybe that comes with the territory.

Perhaps Medusa was a black woman,

you know how they be demonizing us when we talk back.

Perhaps it wasn’t snakes in her hair, but locs,

and if I am my mother’s child I have followed in her footsteps.

If there’s anything that she has taught me, it’s that looks can kill, and that if I have to serve a man,

I should serve him well done.


ABOUT Mo

Mo (she/ her) is a 25-year-old poet, who is an avid reader, and lover of all things art; Her passion has always been music, poetry, and the arts as a whole. Poetry is her truth. Being able to find healing through her platform as an artist, is a gift that she is truly thankful for. She can be found on social media platforms such as Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr as @momothepoet.

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The Elpis Letters #2 | My Expense by Anonymous T

I'm turning 23 soon. Perhaps I'll be 23 by the time you read this, I'm not sure. 

I've learned a lot, I've learned a lot especially this past year and I...damn. 

It's hard to find the right words here. 

I think my understanding of womanhood has developed more than I could have imagined. I've got a firm grasp on how I am perceived as an individual to other individuals, and I feel like I'm so often treated like a pushover. People shove their responsibilities onto me because I'll "get over it" or I'll "just have to deal with it," and you know what, I'm tired. 

I'm tired of putting other people before myself, I'm tired of giving my energy and my generosity. I feel like I'm a piggy bank, my paycheck goes right to the bills, responsibilities get left behind for me to tidy up, and my mental health declines because of it. Lovers don't want to imagine a future with me, so it all gets called to quit. All of my coins are used up and spent by other people, my expense, I guess. 

I feel like I have been placed under a faucet, my clothes weighing me down as the sink begins to fill. I remove myself, my mind at least, disassociation at its finest as I check out and go numb for a while. 

Meanwhile, I feel like the male figures in my life get to go and do whatever they want, they don't have to deal with it all. I realize that I'm treated like I'm less of a person, at least I surely feel that way. Not just by those around me, but by society, which I often blame as a factor into everyone else's moods. 

I find that it's harder for me to land big paying jobs, it's harder for me to get accepted into the schools I want, and I wonder if it's because I'm inadequate, or if it's because I'm a woman. I've witnessed first hand how women are treated in this reality, and I'm just trying to keep my head above the water, to rise above this circumstance. 

I'm tired of women competing with each other and fighting each other. I'm tired of men tossing us aside and acting like we're nothing. 

I'm...everything. 

I claim my power back. Now. I will not show remorse or apologize for the new me walking around like I know everything because let me make this clear. I know what it's like to have nothing, so in turn, all that's left for me is fucking everything. 

I wish I was more cold-hearted sometimes, but I know, that I will continue allowing my heart to break open because if I become cold, I'll just be like the rest of them, and society will in turn have transformed my soul into mere wires and strings, and I do not want to become someone who is just going through the motions. 

I am a woman, and I will not give up. 


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The Elpis Letters #1 | A Letter to my older self by Snehal Amembal

Dear Snehal,

How are you? How old are you now? 60? 65? I wonder if you can read properly, or has that blasted disease affected your vision, too? Do you remember yourself from about 30 years ago? The anxiety, the helplessness, the uncertainty about the future. I hope it is not as bad as you imagined it to be. Can you recollect moments from your own life, or have they been wiped away once again by that merciless tyrant of a disease? I hope you are living with dignity and are surrounded by love, lots of love.

That brings me to your wonderful sons. I imagine that they have grown up to become  strapping young men oozing charm, kindness and generosity. Are they good looking? Of course they are! I hope that they have done well for themselves and are making you proud as always. I wonder if R has retired from his working life and that he is making time for himself and for you in particular. 

I hope that you are still able to travel far and wide irrespective of the challenges that you face on a daily basis. How do you keep yourself busy now? Do you still read as voraciously as you used to? Are you able to still write? I’m hedging my bets on you having released at least five books by now. Please tell me that you now have at home a dog, or at least a cat or two? I know they always brought you joy, so I sincerely hope that you are basking in their love. Finally, I wish that you are reading this letter out to your best friend who lives across the road from you and that a cure has been found.

Love,

Your younger self


About Snehal Amembal

Snehal (she/her) is a freelance writer, poet and blogger based in London with her husband and two toddlers. Her writing primarily reflects her motherhood journey, memories of her own childhood and the essence of everyday moments. Her debut collection Pause, inspired by the COVID-19 pandemic has been recently published. She is a Young Onset Parkinson's Disease warrior and creates awareness of the condition through her writing. She also reviews books authored by writers of South Asian heritage on her blog Desi Lekh.

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A Letter To Those Who Wish To Ban Books

Dear You,

You, who try to stamp out these books, which have not grown to harm our children, but rather, have sprouted from the hands and the souls of writers who were once children, who now wish to spark a flame in the mind, and to heal a wounded heart. You who try to say these books are not important, that stories are not important,  have you ever had someone say your story is not important to this world? 

How can you say that children should not see and hear the things that are happening around them? How can you say they should keep their noses out of books, and instead, pressed to the glass of school bus windows where children sit and talk with mouths full of words we'd rather they not speak? How can you say we shouldn't talk about the things, which hurt our children, and torture our children, that come up to our children with a plastic cup filled with beer or whiskey or whatever they can find to drown out the pain? Why would you rather they taste the booze between those sweet lips instead of tasting it through a voracious literary appetite? 

Why should we let girls struggle with weight and rape and the utter pain of a broken heart, alone? Why should we let boys treat girls like they don't matter? Why should we categorize and stereotype the experiences of these young adults? And for that matter, why should we call them young adults if we do not let them behave like adults who are young? 

Why would you take away a hunger for words trailed across the page like spaghetti, wound around the mind like pasta around the tines of a fork? Why would you discourage a belief in books, in magic, in wonderful words, which broaden the mind and make the world beautiful, and true? 

You see, I just don't understand. I am a believer in books. In words. I stories. But you see, I am a writer. And I am a reader. And I was a girl who walked through school hallways with bullies and wounds that could not be bandaged over. But you see, I did not become like those girls on the news. I did not become a statistic. Books rescued me. And that's why I can't understand why you'd take a book from the hands of our children and instead replace it with a smart phone. I can't understand why you'd let these things poison them from the inside out when words could heal them.

 I guess I'll never understand because I believe in books.

Author's Note

Dear Reader,                                                                               

Here is the story of Falling Through as chronologically factual as I can remember.

The Beginning:

Almost three years ago I was sitting in a classroom with my fellow seniors. The class was Experimental Writing, and with the exception of one or two other people, I was the only one who enjoyed writing. I had been writing poetry for five years, even used a few of those poems for the class. But I'd never written real fiction until this class.

As soon as I started working on flash fiction pieces, I fell in love with the written word all over again. So when the teacher gave us the freedom to create our own project I thought, that sounds like fun. I liked to write, even seemed to be somewhat good at writing, so I thought it would be easy to come up with an idea. 

The amazing thing was that I didn’t have to come up with an idea on my own. My best friend leaned across his desk, mentioning something about a story involving fairytales, about fairytale charactersperhaps. I immediately started getting ideas about all the stories I'd loved as a child. I knew I wanted the final project to be an actual storybook, pictures and all, yet I waited until the last minute to write the story. Being an extreme case of human procrastination, I had a slight notion as to how I was actually going to conquer this idea, but in waiting to the final moment, it transformed into something I hadn't expected. "Falling" turned into something I actually liked.

I handed the project in, all fourteen, single-spaced pages of my short story, and I received a 100%. Perfect score. Imperfect story. Fast forward to the end of the year. To graduation. To pictures with aforementioned best friend. To a really long plane ride across the ocean to England with said best friend, and an incredible trip abroad. From there, I wrote one poem and some essays, but this story, the one you might someday hold in your hand, it was buried deep in my brain, and I had no intentions of ever digging it back up. 

I was going to be an interior designer instead.

It was the plan. 

Interior design was something I had planned for from middle school onward but writing…writing was a passion, which came naturally. Writing was something I'd always done.  It helped me get through the difficult things. (Well writing, mixed with Time, and a best friend, the same best friend previously mentioned.) So I felt I owed quite a bit to writing, to the art and craft of writing, to my own writing. Imagine my surprise when the thing I thought I feared, the decision I never thought I could make, felt easy. You see, after about two weeks at college, I loaded a fresh document in Microsoft Word before restarting a story. THE story. The one I hope you will see on a bookshelf someday. I finished the first three chapters, and then stopped to pick up another project. The funny thing is, I never gave up hope for this story. It sat in a binder labeled BOOK as it didn’t have a title at the time, and the entirety of this magical world stayed dormant until October 2011. 

The middle:

October 2011 was a rather boring month of the fall semester. I still hadn’t been admitted into the Writing major just yet. I wasn’t taking any writing classes. So I was thinking what is the point? I was taking a Literary Analysis class, Sociology, British Literature part deux, and Intro. to Math. The closest thing to my kind of writing was an essay about The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston. Imagine my surprise when one day, bored to death in my Brit. Lit. class, it was there, a seedling of an idea; instantaneous. And from there, for the next three weeks, I took pages and pages of notes, researched Grimm’s Fairytales, translations of "Ring Around the Rosie," fleshed out characters, documented what will be five books worth of information, and created a name. A working title.

Around the third week of note taking, I decided it was time to get my thoughts organized. Looking back now, I think I needed an excuse not to start writing. It seemed scary, because for the first time, I didn’t feel like I was telling the story, but rather my characters were. I always thought it pure insanity, maybe even nonsensical when people would talk about how make-believe people would tell their own story. But somehow, they did. It is something you might only understand if it happens to you.

But I digress.

Out of fear or paranoia or whatever, it took me until the end of October to actually start writing. The first four chapters were fairly easy, because much of those pages grew out of my rough draft from the fall of 2010. After that, it was new, especially because my fifth character was a brand new addition. Nine months later, I finished a book, my book, my novel! I guess it is right in saying it feels like my child (nine months…get it?). So I will beg you to someday handle this story with care.

The end:

This is still unknown. The book is finished, and with several rounds of revisions under way, it is definitely much more grammatically correct. For the next few months, I will be polishing, and when aforementioned friend returns from Australia, we will sit and fix what's broken so that I can start sending this out to agents. And from there? Well, I guess I leave this to the hands of the literary gods in hopes that someday I will see this next to my Harry Potter books and my bright pink copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

I hope one day you enjoy reading this book as much as I enjoyed writing it. But I guess that is half the battle as a writer; truly enjoying your own book despite all the late nights, the revisions, the paper cuts, the timelines, genealogical charts, character sketches, maps, and the plethora of information that is only pertinent in your own head. But know this is the story I always wanted to write, and I suppose deep down this story always wanted to be written. It persevered through senior year of high school, a change of school and major, a change of title, and almost two years later, it is the story my best friend inspired me to write: a story about fairytales. 

I am leaving this story here so that one day when the memory becomes somewhat blurry, when the details are too difficult to remember, I can look back and say yes, that is how it happened. Until then, I can’t wait to fall through!

All best,Kayla King.png