How We Improve

For those of us for whom words mean everything, we understand how much growth, belief, and trust it takes to put forth our best writing into the world. In order to tackle such mammoth feats, we require people to help us see what’s working now, and what can be made better. 

I know I am someone who stubbornly clung to the notion that this writer’s journey is one that needed to be traversed alone. This is something reasoned within myself for too long. However, since my time in the MFA, I’ve been reminded time and again of the good that can come from feedback. 

Though it’s been some many years since I graduated from the Mountainview MFA, I now have the most amazing network of support from family and friends both near and far and fellow writers willing to put in the same amount of hard work day after day.

For the most part, the feedback I’ve received has been immeasurably beneficial, whether I make the suggestions into tangible changes or not. And in the time between studying writing before graduate school and now, I have also learned how to parse through feedback to ensure I’m not losing sight of my vision or voice. 

All of this to say, I’ve become accustomed to receiving feedback and utilizing those comments and questions to better my work-in-progress. However, quite recently, I found myself feeling small. This is a rarity, one I’m rather proud to say hasn’t happened since my second semester of grad school.

But this month during a meet-up of writers, I found myself and my story and my knowledge insignificant. While this didn’t last much longer than an afternoon, I found it concerning. I struggled through the memory of the day on my drive home, and discovered why I felt as such. I’ve spent the following weeks working through this sense of alienation within myself.

During this meet-up, I brought Chapter 24 from my work-in-progress. It was a short chapter, one I had sectioned off from the chapter that followed to allow for the scene to breathe. It was filled with small character moments, but ones that were necessary. I read the chapter aloud while the other writers followed along. I knew almost immediately that I would have differing opinions with two of the writers at the table, however, I was not prepared for the misogyny, and did find myself startled at the amount of mansplaining that came from someone not writing or reading in my genre. 

I suppose throughout the other writerly meet-ups I’ve attended in the area, I forgot how precarious a position it can be as a woman in her twenties surrounded by older men who assume they know more. It’s rare that I play the MFA card, as I know it is something that generates further conflict.

Thinking back, I could’ve said so many things, made use of my experience and credentials. In that moment, however, I found myself forgetting my strength, my voice; my ferocity as a female writer. 

For the duration of my critique time, I listened to two men explain to me why, as someone seeking traditional publication, I needed to pay for editing services, though they couldn’t find any concrete examples of something being wrong with the chapter. And while there were other points made more specific to that chapter and my novel as a whole, it was this that infuriated me most of all. 

I have done my research. I have queried before, and when the time is right, I will query again. I’ve had work published in the past and there will be more to come in the future. But somehow I found myself quiet. I didn’t argue. I just let them explain why they were right. And for the rest of the meet-up when one such man used a television series to justify head-hopping without understanding the difference between a limited point-of-view and omniscient narration, I felt like my knowledge wasn’t worth sharing. 

By the end of the writing group, I left defeated. And as I went over the details, later sharing with trusted allies, I found myself angry that I let myself shrink in that situation. The last time such a thing happened, I remember clinging to the feedback. The best friend told me to leave the pages behind. And I did then. I knew that was what I needed to do again. 

So that’s what I did. 

I waited to pen this post until I had some time away. I can assure you, I’ve once again found my strength. 

Now, you might be wondering what the point of critique is in situations like this. As writers, feedback helps us improve. I have had countless experiences where a question will help me unlock the secret to a messy chapter, where a reassurance will help me remember why I love still love this story after almost six years. But what’s more, I was reminded why I’ve curated a group of people to join me on this writer’s journey. This isn’t to say these people only offer praise and goodness. The reason why I appreciate my people so much is for their honesty, their instincts, their belief in both me as a writer and this story. 

We all need those people to help us see where we can be better. 

This is the lesson I take with me as I continue to work through the developmental edits for the work-in-progress and as I endeavor to provide feedback for other writers. I do not wish to make them feel small, but to help them see their strength, their promise, and the importance of their words. I think this same thing applies outside of writing. In a world filled with messes and mistakes and melancholy, we all need people to help us improve. 

Chasing Answers to Something

Despite the many rejections of last year, I knew almost instantly what word I would choose to carry me into 2020. In the past, there was CREATE, BELIEVE, BETTER, PERSEVERANCE, and DREAM. Those choices took much thought, aiming for perfection. But alas, I’ve been trying for better instead of perfect. It’s a struggle, and maybe it always will be.

Historically, February is a difficult month. While it would’ve been more than easy to write these words on the first day of the new year, I think some part of myself knew I would need the reminder now. I’m sure there are too many reasons why, and maybe in other years, I would’ve convinced myself of some falsity instead. But not this year. Perhaps as words penned by someone extraordinary explain: “I’m chasing answers to something I’ve already figured out.” 

Maybe I’m tired of hunting whatever this may be. Or better yet, I think I’m done outrunning what I already know to be true. And so this year, the choice to wait until February to proclaim my word for the year seemed a necessity. I needed to know I could make myself believe the power of my word before sharing it with you, dear reader. 

And that word is: THRIVE. 

I am reminded of this as I look back at photos shared last month following the devastation of the Australian fires. Amidst the blackened tree trunks, rose-colored buds bloom. They thrive despite destruction. 

And so too must I, despite darkness and heartache, rejection and doubt and this often frustrating inability to stray too far from the path of the dream, however nonsensical it may seem. 

I will thrive. 

I’m getting better about trusting my roots to stay planted no matter the storms. I’m learning the limits between striving for success and settling for self-destruction, because the latter seems familiar, and by association, comfortable. And on days when the thunderous thrum of anxiety tries to upend my steady shelter, I’m finding a way to listen only for the rain. To relax. To talk myself through without making a list of everything that will and would and could go wrong. 

Despite everything against me, I am immeasurably grateful for the generosity of my people, the ones who seek to remind me of my strength when I question it, the ones who share an entire year of stories in one journal, who discuss mythology and meditation and all the ways to breathe again. Here’s to the ones feeling just as lost, willing to sympathize with similar plights. To the ones climbing mountains while I’m still navigating hills. To my mother. To my sister. To my best friends. To all the many fierce females in my life who helped me write a line about the worlds we women must carry on our backs. 

We will do so much more than survive this year. 

We will thrive, because we must. 

Mostly Made of Mysteries

From the moment I cracked the spine of Maria Dahvana Headley’s novel, Magonia, I knew I would write about the time spent in that fictional world here. One week later, I’m just as enthralled and devastated by the beauty of this story. I’ve been without this book for an hour or so now, and I already miss it. In much the same way that Aza describes herself as “mostly made of mysteries,” so too, is this book.

The fantasy of it all remains gripping, the pacing steadfast, and the emotional stakes for the characters echo chapter after chapter. But within these recognizable elements of the story are the mysteries that kept me devouring every page.

What begins with a curious ailment transforms into a feather in Aza’s lung, leading to her earthly demise. The author doesn’t suffocate the reader with too many details all at once, but rather, builds the relationship between Aza and her best friend, Jason, as well as the other members of her family. This is where the greatest success of the story remains, even after Aza finds herself in Magonia, a land above the clouds filled with ships and squallwhales, pirates and promises made long ago. And within this juxtaposition between real world and fantasy, there is also the contrast between what is said and unsaid on the page, poignantly displayed within the narrative:

“I think of the note. I want to say me too. I want to say I know. I want to say I can read the gaps in your sentences. I can read the space between your letters. I know your language. It’s my language too. I want to say that.”

Upon starting this book at the urging of my own best friend, I expected to be swept up in the fantasy of it all. The cover boasts a feather and birds and a shimmering sky with an intriguing premise. I never expected this story to hurt. But I let it. Throughout the dual narration between Aza and Jason, I found myself breaking along with the characters. The grief and mourning are rendered with authenticity and specificity, which reverberates both above in Magonia and below on Earth.

Between both spaces, I found myself stung by certain sentences. I would read a few pages, set the book down, and sit with the words a few moments longer before returning to the sorrow. Within these moments, I found myself remembering why I so love storytelling. I’m not sure when I forgot, even if the time was brief.

Yet, my crumbling over fictional worlds and people reminded me why I must finish editing my own book. I think it’s every author’s dream to leave at least one reader in tears over the consequences of their creation. And certainly, I was left in a similar state while voraciously reading this story. But what’s more, now that I’ve finished this book, I feel as if my creative well has been refilled at last. Though this story is far different than my own, there were moments that spurred a new idea for my own writing.

Perhaps it was the more mundane character moments, however, that helped guide me most. The goal with DREAM CATCHERS, this work-in-progress over the last five years has always been to keep the characters and their emotional stakes and connections at the forefront. While writing, sometimes it’s difficult to let those moments shine, especially while in the editing process when it can feel self-indulgent. But maybe it’s these moments of tenderness, of imperfect people, where my book will most succeed as well. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Until then, I plan on letting this gorgeous story settle in my mind for another week before beginning the sequel, Aerie. And with this week in between, I will return to my own novel ready to continue crafting this story and characters I so love!

No Gentle Way

Throughout the process of seeking publication for both poetry and fiction, I’ve learned there is no gentle way to fulfill that often illusive dream. In my case, it has required relentless diligence, insane idealism, and a penchant for perseverance while submitting time and time again. 

But alas, the title poem of my first full collection, “The Half-Life of Lying,” will be published by littledeathlit in their Fall 2019 issue! I can’t wait to share the words held in this poem with you, dear reader. Until that time, however, I thought I might tread back to  September 15, 2017 when I first completed this poem. Many things have changed since then. I have changed in that time. And most importantly, this poem has transitioned into something new. 

Looking back, I suppose this title was always there when thinking of collecting the poems I’d started writing during that summer. I’m not sure why I was so drawn to the idea, but it became an obsession. Throughout that summer, I wasn’t sure I wanted a title poem in the collection.  But then I wrote the lines one by one. I finished that poem, knowing it must be “The Half-Life of Lying.”

As I worked to organize and complete the collection this summer, I had a moment in which renaming that original title poem seemed absolutely necessary. That poem has since found publication. And yet, I clung to the idea of a title poem, hidden somewhere in the middle of the collection instead of at the beginning or end. It would need to be a poem to encompass the themes of the collection as a whole without being written for that explicit reason. I longed for the right poem to bestow with this title, but it remained out of reach for too many months. 

Upon returning from San Francisco this April, there was another poem I knew I needed to write. From the moment I wandered through the ruins of the Sutro Baths, I knew that place needed to be memorialized forever in the lines of a poem.

But when once back home, I didn’t know how to capture all that I felt walking along the edges of those crumbling pools, climbing the rocks to find the thunderous waves of the ocean. The memory lived in my bones, and I carried it with me for months, adding a line here, recalling the curvature of the cave, which reminded me so much of the one from the shore of England, just below Tintagel Castle. And yet, I found the task fruitless. I knew I was forcing the words when I didn’t have them yet. 

Strangely, the words found me August 15, 2019, almost two years to the day when the first incarnation of the “The Half-Life of Lying” materialized. I wrote about standing in those ruins, wishing the best friend were with me, because I knew, even then, that he would appreciate it for the same reasons. We’ve always been too similar. I recalled everything I so loved about that morning when the fog burned off to reveal blue skies, where I stood alone, but feeling the ghosts of the glory days nipping at my heels. Even in that poem, I needed him to help me remember, too scared I would forget. The fear fueled the new poem. The remembering of a different time filled in the spaces between the person I once was and the poet fulfilling a promise to recollect into something immortal. 

And so, “The Half-Life of Lying” was born all over again. I sent it out again and again and again. It faced countless rejections, 23 throughout its lifetime. But now, publication awaits this beloved poem. Much might’ve changed, but my adoration for this piece remains ever fervent.

There may be no gentle way to traverse the process of publication. And sure, the journey may not be comfortable. But with endless belief and an unwillingness to walk away, it will never be impossible. So whether you’re fighting your own written battles, dear reader, or just exploring them in my poem, “The Half-Life of Lying,” I hope you’ll remember. Sometimes the memory is all it takes to find your way through.

Into the Forest

Perhaps there is some truth to this notion of a mind lost in the forest; a soul left at ease. This is certainly the feeling I’ve had working on this novel for the past five years. Often in the months since February, while I’ve continued to work through these developmental edits, I’ve felt my sanity slipping away. But alas, I love the writing. I love this book. 

However, it wasn’t until I took a step back from the sentences and semi-colons, that I was able to appreciate how far I’ve come and just how much I left to finish before embarking back into the query trenches. In that way, I suppose it’s true: you can’t see the forest from the trees. 

Sometimes it’s too difficult to see a forest of your own making, especially when it is populated with chapters and characters and plot points and too many years of diligence and perseverance and passion. But alas, I stepped back from the intricacies of my story to find my way back into the forest. 

How did I accomplish this?

1.) Step Back 

As I said, I stopped working on the the minutiae to focus back on the project as a whole. While I certainly didn’t abandon the WIP mid-chapter, I did take a step back before diving into Part Three. Too many important things needed to happen. I needed to conceptualize them in a way that fulfilled the promises of my story from page one.

2.) Outline

I revisited my old outline and found that Part Three was just as complicated and disheveled as it was in my mind. It all made too much sense. I’ve always been a plotter and needed to get back to organizing the story into manageable sections. Instead of tinkering with that outdated outline, however, I used a template provided by Abbie Emmons. For those of you fellow writers out there, I encourage you to peruse her many Authortube videos. I used her outlining template for the Three Act Structure as a guide to ask myself the important questions again. What I so love about Abbie’s outline is the attention to character and the emotional stakes of story. From the beginning, I wanted this story to be driven by character, leaning in to literary tendencies in a futuristic world filled with death and dreams. It always seemed a necessary combination, but somehow this had been forgotten as I approached Part Three.

3.) Slow Down

While I finished my outline a few weeks ago, I have allowed myself to slow down, and reacquaint myself with where I need to go next in the story. I haven’t gotten back into the swing of the developmental edits yet, but I’m not rushing myself. For now, I’m luxuriating in the scaffolding of the story, knowing all too soon that it will be real. On the page. Outside of my head. I will be back in the trees, losing sight of the forest, and maybe my mind. But I can’t wait to find my soul back in this narrative. As I said, I love this story. I’m not sure I could’ve committed so much of myself to this book if I didn’t think it would find publication in the future. And that is still the goal. 

Until then, dear reader, whether you’re lost in the trees of writing or life, I hope you’ll take time to see the forest again. 

Words Read to Revive

When I revived my penchant for poetry two years ago, I never thought I would complete enough work to one day collect together as one. In that return to the page, I discovered my voice as a poet. Along the way, more poems took shape, finding their place in my debut micro-collection of poetry, These Are the Women We Write About. But even with the publication of that first book of poetry, I never stopped writing. And now all this time later, I finally have a full-length collection filled with words read to revive my belief in being a poet.

So how did I complete this collection?

1.) Line By Line

Most of the poems written were done so line by line. And many of those lines existed only in the Notes app on my iPhone before finding a forever home. I’m not sure what it is about certain lines of writing that demand to be made into poems instead of short stories or chapters in a novel. After too many years spent obsessed with the beauty and wreckage created by poetry, all I know is that sometimes a line demands the concise freedom to exist in a poem and nowhere else. With this knowledge, it’s easy to continue on to the next line, the next stanza, the next poem, etc.

2.) Oblige Obsessions

While I didn’t set out with a theme or an overall concept when I began writing these poems, somehow they made sense. Unlike writing novels or short stories, there was no precise destination in the poetry. Instead I followed my obsessions: bones and lies and leaving, whales and sirens and seas, memories and maps and mothers. These words and images appeared again and again, and I never resisted them. I couldn’t. Instead I obliged them, allowing these obsessions of my mind to persist all the way through 42 poems.

3.) Purge the Poetry

As is an unavoidable side effect of writing, most especially in writing without looking back or knowing the end, I found myself with a plethora of poems. Many pieces were written from three words, sent by the best friends to be incorporated into stream-of-consciousness writing. I tried to complete one SOC each day in April for National Poetry Month. While I didn’t quite succeed, I did have 23 pieces in need of elongation to make them into full poems. Following the completion of those edits, I was left with some much loved poetry, but not everything felt like it belonged with the growing connections made between preexisting poems. And thus, the great purge occurred. Perhaps those discarded works will find a way into another collection someday.

4.) Trace the Threads

Though this next part of the process seemed rather simple from the onset, the organization of this collection was anything but. After determining which poems didn’t fit well enough with the rest of the work, the threads within the project tightened. However, even knowing the general feeling wasn’t enough of a guide for assembling the project. There were too many stories and arcs and possibilities. The cohesion of the collection made sense in the back of my mind, but never in trying to organize these poems, many of which felt too surreal and ethereal to fit with the other more realistic poems about grapefruits, overgrown manicures, mint juleps, cow lungs; mundane moments turned to magic on the page. This is what I’ve always loved about poetry. But in the end, these were the exact threads I traced throughout the poems in order to find some small perfection in the final organization.

5.) Read. Read. Read.

After nailing down the structure, I still found myself needing to read the work out loud. This is not unusual, but rather, an absolute necessity for all my written work. It becomes an incantation, those words read to revive love and belief in a project. This time, the best friend insisted I read the collection over the phone in its entirety. It was a much needed addition to my usual practice. Hearing feedback in real time and feeling the flow for the collection as a whole was crucial in helping me realize there was no work left to be done.

6.) Letting Go

Leading up to the finalization of this project, I researched and implemented all I’d learned on my submission spreadsheet. And yet, after so many years spent working to collect these poems, the biggest difficulty might be letting go. But alas, now is the time for taking chances. Now is the time for belief and perseverance, for deep breaths and pride is such an accomplishment. Now is the time for letting go.

Many Fragile Things

The decision to say no to National Novel Writing Month this year was much easier than expected. Perhaps I’ve finally found what I so desperately sought from NaNoWriMo in the past: routine, support, a tangible deadline. Or maybe, I’m finally handling myself and my writing life with more care.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written here. In part, because I didn’t feel like there was anything to say. In truth, because I had too much on my mind to ever find the perfect words to explain. As Neil Gaiman can attest, there is much to be broken inside every one of us.

In the past year, I’ve fought against my own fragility. Instead, I showed only the strength I so desperately tried clinging to in the midst of another anxious spiral; a Cancerian through and through. Like February and June, August and then October, I found myself getting stuck. And yet, rare are the times I let this show. I certainly don’t mean to be so guarded in real life. Nor do I want myself as a writer to seem far above the day to day battle against the blank page, overcoming rejections, etc.

This is what my anxiety looks like to the outside world. Guarded. Control Freak. Perfectionist. Unapproachable. Driven. Intimidating. I’m not sure if you understand, dear reader. I’m not sure if your struggles are similar to mine. Like the best of fiction, I do believe the most authentic writing comes from slivers of truth.

This is my truth. I care too much. I overthink. I’m ambitious to the point of losing sight of reality. I’m a dreamer. I’m perceptive and terrified and unsure. Sometimes I feel like a snow globe inside, shaken and unsettled. The swirling stops and starts all over again. It’s a cycle, an endless spiral. It’s criticizing myself all while reaching further. It’s shame and silence. It’s standing still in a crowd with too many words in the mind and no way to say them out loud. It’s making lists and setting goals and trying to be better without any guarantee.

While this year has been filled with happiness and friends, adventures and successes, there’s still this gnawing feeling. And the past few weeks leading up to the start of NaNoWriMo only cemented this understanding that to participate this year might not be the best for my mental health.

I don’t wish to treat myself like a fragile thing, but alas, I’m still putting myself back together again. I’m recovering from a sinus infection, most likely my body’s way of telling me to slow down. I’ve hit 141 rejections for the year. Amidst everything else this week, I received news that the multi-media anthology where my work was slated to “one day” be published has been cancelled. This was after being accepted August 15, 2015. I suppose after four years, I should’ve known this might not see the light of day, but now, it still feels like further defeat.

And yet, I refuse to give up. On myself. On my writing. On representation from an agent. On publication for DREAM CATCHERS. It’s all still a work-in-progress. As I near the end of editing and get closer to the query trenches, I feel more strongly than ever that THIS will be the story that makes my dream of publication a reality. And I don’t need to write and edit everyday. I don’t need to strive for 50,000 words to be successful. I have my people near and far reminding me to be proud of everything I’ve accomplished so far.

To those people, you know who you are. With your texts and tweets, phone chats and letters, quotes from Steve Jobs and DaVinci, you all have helped me realize how wildly capable I am, despite this slower pace, these deeper breaths, this diligence and dreaming; I hope you know how much your existence means to my world of writing and beyond. And to those of you, dear readers, in the same fragile place as myself, I hope you find clarity and kindness and courage to believe you will better.

Overcoming Perfection

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with perfectionism. Too many people might say this isn’t a true difficulty at all. I suspect those are the same people who are free to move from one task to the next without paying any mind to the most intricate, and possibly inconsequential, details. Such is the burden of perfection.

Amidst this latest round of edits, I have made a conscious effort to to strive for progress, rather than perfection. All the while, I’ve kept sight of May 31st; the day I will embark back into the query trenches. This solid goal has been my beacon through it all, and it looks like it is one I will accomplish. That’s not to say it’s been easy, but worthy endeavors rarely are.

Back before the MFA, and even in my third semester of graduate school, I hated editing. I always preferred the thrill of a new idea, a blank page, drafting something into completeness. But now, I think I prefer the editing process. I like the toil and the immense satisfaction that comes from taking my own words and polishing them into something better.

It's taken me time to get here. There is a sense of madness in thinking back to those early days almost 5 years ago. But I wouldn’t change any of the challenges along this journey, because it really has been a battle to get this book to where it is today; almost ready to head back into the query trenches.

There has been goodness along the way, too. There have been friends who’ve fallen in love with my fictional world, and who continue to champion Camryn and her story from near and far away. And most recently, I had the opportunity to talk with a real life agent about the first page of DREAM CATCHERS on the Manuscript Academy Podcast!

So how was I chosen to take part in this conversation?

In November 2018, I sent the first page of the manuscript to the brilliant women at The Manuscript Academy. In April 2019, I received an email wondering if I would be willing to try something new. Up until this point, the First Pages Podcast series focused on the first page of a novel being discussed for 10 minutes without the author. Though there was one episode where they later spoke with the author of said page to see how the critique might’ve helped.

For my episode, I got to chat with Danielle Chiotti in real time, just like the consultations offered on the Manuscript Academy website. And to keep the discussion as authentic as possible, the final version only cut out some of the more extemporaneous pauses, keeping the integrity of those 10 minutes.

Leading up to the recording of the podcast, I will admit I was somewhat nervous. I knew other writers might listen to this in just the same voracious manner that I experienced the other podcast episodes. But there was also the sense of knowing that I would be speaking to an industry professional, accompanied by the small fear that I would have nothing intelligent to add to our conversation.

As soon as I got on the call, however, Danielle put any worry at ease with her kind words and bright spirit. If Lorelai Gilmore was a literary agent, she would be Danielle Chiotti. Throughout our conversation, she offered some crucial feedback that has helped immensely in this last round of edits. I even got to ask a few questions at the end that have made this first page everything it needed to be. Not only did I receive real feedback, but I was also left with the hope that someone believed in this story enough to pick the first page out of the pile. Along the way, it felt like unlocking the greater potential held within this novel and my writing. And now this final draft is almost ready to send out into the agenting world in the hopes I find not only representation, but a champion for my writing career.

Now that my podcast episode has officially made its way into the world, I’ve been working on completing my plan for this latest round of edits using my Archer & Olive Daily Planner to keep everything organized. There was an extra week of blank spaces this month, and I knew I needed to put them to good use. They’ve certainly served as a reminder to keep striving for progress.

1.) Plot and Outline

For this first part of the process, I took all the notes made in the bound copy of my manuscript and added them as comments into my Scrivener document. I also added my notes from my editing spreadsheet into the Document Notes section in Scrivener. The final piece of part one was similar to how I organize my writing in the Scrivener Binder. However, instead of using those index cards, I used real ones in various colors to plot out the story. While, yes, this book was complete, and yes, it did have a finished plot outline, I knew there were some parts that could be improved. For my color coding system I used 6 colors. Yellow became scenes including character moments with family and friends. Green became discovery and forward action in the story. Purple became mythology, while pink cards were for romantic relationships. Blue became dreams and the reaming white cards were used for any new scenes that needed to be added. From there, I wrote scene by scene, laid them out in their current order, and then reshuffled until I had the best version of this story.

2.) Write New Scenes

This part of the revisions has certainly been interesting. It’s been quite some time since I’ve drafted new material for this book. However, filling in troublesome scenes mentioned by BETA readers and doing the most with the characters I already have, has been such a joy. Maybe it’s because I thrive on the challenge of creating cohesion from chaos, but either way, this portion of the process is almost complete.

3.) Line Edits

After the new material is complete, I will be going through sentence by sentence, chapter by chapter, to clean up the writing, both past and present. This might be my favorite part of the editing process, while it can be rather tedious. There is something about moving sentences to create a varied structure or finding the best word to really unlock the meaning of a sentence that is so rewarding.

4.) Read + Read + Read + Read

Long ago, I learned the importance of reading my own work aloud, especially during the editing process. However, this time, instead of just reading it through to myself, I will be recording myself on Voice Memos, chapter by chapter, and listening back as an audiobook to ensure proper pacing and to get a better idea of how the story is working as a whole. I’m looking forward to this, because I think this will give a good indication of how this story is progressing.

5.) Literary Agents

While this part of the process is already half done, there is still a little bit of work to finish. Since I began the query process, I have had the agents I wanted to send my work to sorted into groups to assist with easier batches. I have the research for those agents already saved in a miscellaneous file. But, it’s been quite some time since I’ve updated the list. And in that time, there have been new agents entering into the literary world, recent additions to #MSWL YA on Twitter, and a better understanding of what I am looking for in an agent. All of that combined means I’ll need to do a bit more research before I begin the next round of queries. Along with organizing agent info in Scrivener, as previously discussed in a past post, I will also be organizing my “Agent Questions” document I have for hope that when I get “the call” from an agent, I will have everything I need.

6.) Query Materials

Once the edits are done, I will need to proofread the query (AGAIN) and update my synopsis. Next will be looking at my agent list to ensure I’m following their specific submission guidelines and that all materials are handled properly and included for QUERY DAY!

7.) Finish Line

I’m also calling this QUERY DAY, knowing that May 31st is quickly approaching. I will send out my query and materials to the agents and will then update my spreadsheet and information in Scrivener, possibly update Query Tracker, though I haven’t been as impressed with its capabilities in conjunction with my own tracking method. And then, dear reader, I will wait.

Until then, I know there might be a few more difficult days, maybe some where the writing and revision and editing all seems unmanageable. However, knowing that I'm not going in to make DREAM CATCHERS perfect, but rather, the best story it can be, will continue to help me make this dream of publication a reality.

Sure there has been rejection along the way, and this book has not always been easy to write. Too often, as writers, we find ourselves on the page without even trying, and that makes writing the hard scenes even more difficult. But it also makes them more rewarding. I love Camryn, and I believe her story is one that deserves to be told. At the end of the day, I think that's the best we get as writers. We break ourselves a little each time we put words on the page, but I've found that edits heal me a little bit, too. 

Whether you’re a writer in the midst of edits and queries or just someone with their own set of struggles, I hope you, too, will take comfort in knowing that progress beats perfection any day.

Only So Many Hours

Lately, Billy Joel’s “Vienna” has been the song that gets me through. It all feels a little too true. Specifically the line “You got so much to do any only so many hours in the day.” Because there really is more to do than hours each day, and still, I try to accomplish what I can. This is probably why the latest round of edits on DREAM CATCHERS is taking much longer than anticipated. But it’s also that I want to do right by these characters and story before heading back into the query trenches.

With the updated query letter and recent epiphanies, it feels like representation is on the horizon. After five years working on this novel, it feels like the perfect time to fix what’s broken, kill some darlings, and send a better version of this story than I previously knew existed within my mind.

To go about this round of edits, it took too many hours, endless patience, and a bit of preparation. And in doing so, I realized I could not do any of this without updating the Series Bible for the Dreamer Duology. There were still too many questions that needed answers, too many character motivations that needed to be fulfilled. Such is the life of a writer, even one stuck in the same world for too many years.

So how did I manage?

With limited hours most days, I knew I would need to have tangible evidence of what required fixing. So began my read through in the printed proof version of the manuscript that I had bound by Createspace. There’s something about seeing words outside of a computer screen that suddenly brings about all the glaring errors that were previously missed. I took an orange highlighter to lines and sections I loved, yellow to ones that needed more work. And once I’d finished the entire book, had some new ideas, talked them through with my fabulous critique partner, I made a spreadsheet.

Maybe for some writers out there this seems a bit like overkill since the line edits were already in the manuscript. But since so many things had come up, I needed a better way to organize, to see trends in the edits, and to come up with solutions before actually diving back into the manuscript. The spreadsheet created on Google Sheets breaks the edits down by: Part, Chapter, Story Element, What to Change, How To, and Progress. As I move along through these edits, it’s nice to see how much I’ve completed.

Now you might recall me mentioning preparation and the term “Series Bible” earlier in this post. Before I started the act of editing, I set my spreadsheet aside, and started updating my research and notes in Scrivener. Being the same Type-A person I’ve always been, I could not imagine using anything other than Scrivener for my writing. While I use it for my poetry as well, it is absolutely necessary in the drafting and editing of a novel, especially since DREAM CATCHERS and future projects are not standalone works, but part of a larger series as a whole. The Dreamer Duology might only be two books, but there is too much I need to remember in crafting these worlds.

While the previous Series Bible was broken down by Characters, Places, and aptly named: Other, I have gotten even more specific in my updates. And while many might see this as an act of procrastination or even redundant, I knew I needed to have all the answers so as not to stumble my way through this new draft in the way I did when I first conceptualized the story in the MFA. Too much has changed between then and now. And I wouldn’t have the time to be aimless.

So how did I create this Series Bible?

For those unfamiliar with Scrivener, I think the endless possibilities and options for customization are what brings its true value to writers, especially because no one process is the same. I began with a right click to add a “New Folder.” If I were in the manuscript adding a new chapter, I would use the “New Text” option, but folders were much more useful here. I labeled the folder “Series Bible.” I clicked into the folder and added seven more: Characters, World, Outlines, Dreams, Playlist, Query, Editing. I color-coded them, and got to work adding my necessary notes.

1.) Characters

This section is broken out into BOOK ONE & BOOK TWO, but each of those folders contains: Character Motivations, Present Characters, and Past Characters. And then for each character, both past and present I have a folder with their name. Inside those folders (which can be customized with either text or a photo on the index card, though I’ve chosen a character photo) there are: Profile, Motivations, and Inspiration. The first two of those were created with the “New Text” option, but I made Inspiration as a folder to add photos for things relevant to my characters, much like the Pinterest board I’ve already created for this series.

2.) World

This section is separated into: Places, Technology, Traditions, Timelines, Glossary, etc. Since this section does contain many secrets and spoilers, I won’t break down what is held inside each of these folders, but do know, they also have sections for notes and Inspiration to keep the world as clear as possible for when I go back into the manuscript.

3.) Outlines

Also broken out into BOOK ONE & BOOK TWO, I’ve split this into a sections with a Beat Sheet and Full Outline, both of which are new additions to my writing process. I normally work off of my index cards in the Scrivener “Binder” to guide my plotting, but thought it would be interesting to do more detailed work with the finished book to use as comparison once the edits are completed.

4.) Dreams

In a novel with the title DREAM CATCHERS, I’m sure this sections comes as no surprise. While Camryn’s dreams are woven throughout the narrative, it is much easier to look at their structure and pacing by having them all grouped together outside of the manuscript, which is why this folder was a necessary addition.

5.) Playlist

While this might be a new folder within the Series Bible, I have already created a playlist for each of my books and continue to keep them updated whenever I hear a song too perfect to forget. The difference between this and my Apple Music playlist, is that I’ve organized these by how they fall in the plot of the story and notated how they connect. In doing so, if I get stuck editing a scene, I can go and listen to that song once or twice or on an endless loop as I’ve done with Hozier’s “Talk.” This section, too, is broken out into BOOK ONE & BOOK TWO, and organizing the songs there gave me a few new ideas for the second book in this duology.

6.) Query

When I first started writing DREAM CATCHERS in Scrivener, there was no need for a query section. The goal back then was just to finish this book. But as the time approached to query, I knew I needed to stay organized. For any writer about to embark on the querying journey, I highly suggest researching agents first and foremost, and then find the best way to organize what you learn. Again, I’m sure many people would see this as overkill since I have used Query Tracker in the past and have a spreadsheet in place to track querying as well. But unlike both of those options, I’ve broken down each round of querying into a separate folder with my stats labeled on the index card (R&R, PR, FR, ER, CNR - all acronyms that will mean nothing to the non-querying writer). And within those Round 1-5 folders, I have another section for each agent as well as the query and synopsis sent at that time. For the agents, I have the date sent and the date of their response. Inside the folders, I have research and the communication sent back from the agents. Again, this might seem extreme, but I have found it a comfort in this often unsettling time within the query trenches.

6.) Editing

Since I’m only editing BOOK ONE at this point, that is the only folder I am using within this section. However, I have uploaded my spreadsheet and have a separate section for any notes that have come up while editing.

So that is how I’ve created my Series Bible. I think the best part about having all of my research at my fingertips is that I am making use of every extra hour I have to work on completing these edits. Scrivener allows for everything to be kept in one place without having to open multiple word documents. Everything is always where I need it to be.

Gente, dejo esta canción, una de mis tantas favoritas :) Lyrics: Slow down, you crazy child. You're so ambitious for a juvenile. But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid? Where's the fire? What's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out.

With everything organized and edits well under way, I am hoping to dive back into the query trenches by the end of this month. Until then, I’ll find the time to finish the work, even if it takes listening to “Vienna” on repeat to remember that there are really only so many hours in the day.

I’m going to make the most of mine, and I hope you’ll make the most of yours, too.

Out of the Spiral

Writing has and always will be my haven. Even on the difficult days. Maybe, most especially on those days, I escape into words. I spoke about this notion of retreat with a friend and fellow writer from the MFA. In emailing back and forth with her, I wrote: Success is relative. Perseverance is everything. And in articulating that sentiment in real words, I was able to find strength in my struggle and healing in my hard work.

So what do I mean when I say words are my retreat?

For this to make better sense, I suppose I must admit just how difficult the month of February has always been for me. I don’t think I realized this until diving into my journal archives and discovering a pattern of exhaustion and struggle; all within the month of February. This year was much the same, with the added flare up of anxiety that was all at once consuming and vicious. I always tend to retreat into myself and become insular when my anxious thoughts take over. And usually, writing is the only thing to pull me out of the perpetual spiral of spinning thoughts and racing pulse.

But this year, I couldn’t write the words I needed to find my way out of the spiral, and this, too, was terrifying and contributed further to the sense that I was not only struggling, but failing. It was a sting far worse than any rejection I’ve ever received because it was was self-actualized. The more I felt I was failing: at work and in my writing and in communicating with the people I appreciate most, the more I felt weak and waning and weathered.

Fast forward to a much needed trip to New York City to visit with one of the best friends. I didn’t take my computer. The journal I had abandoned at the end of January continued to collect dust on my desk. I brought two books, one which I had so loved in the past, and in that memory, felt safe. I arrived to an empty apartment in Astoria and slept for three hours. I walked through a neighborhood I’d yet to explore, finding food, and quiet. I let my mind go without thinking and list-making and bullying for the act of just existing. I ate and showered and read some more and prepared to see Alice By Heart, a reimagining of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I spoke of some of my anxiety with the best friend and texted with the other. Throughout the weekend, I found my way back to my favorite places that still feel a little like home. I finished that book, connecting with it even more the second time around, and I bought more books. All the while, I knew the real work would begin once I was back home.

I would find my way out of the spiral. I would put myself back together. I would be kinder to myself. I would be better.

These were all promises I made with myself from a beach in Astoria beside the best friend as we drank Shamrock shakes and watched night take over. And when I returned home, I got to work. I ordered a new planner from Archer & Olive. I found an unfinished journal that was nothing like the ones I’d used since the MFA. I read a graphic novel, and then another. I started taking melatonin on nights where I knew sleep would be evasive. I apologized to myself, and started practicing self-kindness.

So how did I make these promises into realistic goals I could accomplish?

1.) New Planner

I've kept a steady journal since my undergrad in 2012, though they have evolved since then. I was strictly using a black hardbound square grid Moleskine journal. It became a rather superstitious thing for me. And up until February, I used to set up my monthly calendar, monthly goals, and weekly to do lists within the journal along with whatever I had been writing.

Unfortunately, however, I found myself getting days or weeks behind, which is right around the time my anxiety started to intensify. I think it was initially triggered at work, which held its own set of challenges, and trickled down through my writing life. But I purchased the Archer & Olive Daily Agenda, which comes blank. I have since fallen in love with it. I do my monthly set ups at the beginning of each month (mainly because I use a new pen color so I don't set it up any earlier than that) and I fill in my baseline weekly spreads at that point, too. I write my to do tasks on a week to week basis from there, using a new quote, stickers, and correlating washi tape just to add some creative flair to planning my week.

I think the biggest reason my process NEEDED to change was that I had stopped enjoying/utilizing the old way of planning in my journal. I realized I wasn't using it for journaling and writing as much as I had in the past, which was problematic. I was beating myself up day after day for not keeping up with it, and eventually hit my breaking point.

Since switching to this new planner, I’ve worked on a facet of my anxiety that truly was the most concerning. I was making lists. And not the usual to do list. I was making lists of things I needed to make lists for and nothing was being accomplished, but rather listed the next day and the day after that and I felt myself slipping away from progress. This is not to say that a planner cured my anxiety. But by recognizing a symptom of this spiral and working to get it under control, I was able to be more mindful and realistic about my weekly and monthly goals.

2.) Bedtime Habits

As someone who used to be a night owl, my bedtime habits have been a struggle to balance with my full-time job. Upon returning well-rested from my trip to NYC, I knew I needed to make some changes to my nighttime routine, including taking melatonin on nights when sleep seemed too far away. And this has helped. I’ve also been better about being on my computer or phone before bed, exchanging technology for reading, and it has helped immensely.

3.) Self-Kindness

This might be the biggest factor that has helped throughout the month of March, making me feel ready to conquer the rest of 2019. I am only one person. There are only so many hours in the day. I can only accomplish so much, and that is not everything. This is something I’ve focused on throughout the past month. I get through as much writing and editing and research after work until I can’t anymore. Instead of bullying myself into working past the point of exhaustion or feeling guilty for the work I haven’t done, I instead tell myself there might be more work, but there is also another day tomorrow. That’s not to say I’m giving up or procrastinating, but rather, giving myself days to recover and recharge and refill the creative well before getting back into the edits or prepping for the query trenches. It’s all about balance, and this is something I still struggle to find. But I’m trying. And for that, I am so proud.

So what does this have to do with the idea of success and perseverance?

In many ways, this year has been kind to me. I’ve had several pieces published and accepted. But I also have 61 rejections for just three months into the new year, which is where the idea that Success is relative. Perseverance is everything seems more true than anything else. Poems that have been rejected too many times in the past are finding homes, and I am still seeking representation for DREAM CATCHERS. I am back to editing the manuscript to prepare for the query trenches, and exciting things are happening soon. Though I can’t discuss them just yet, know that good news is coming! To keep up with future blog posts, the secret announcement, and what’s being published next, check in with my NEWS!

Now that I’ve found my way out of the spiral for the time being, there is still the sense that I will be trapped in that bad place again. It’s a fear, but one I’m managing. And this is not usually something I discuss, because as I’ve said, I become insular and retreat into myself and my writing. But with celebrating my successes and posting my publications, I felt there needed to be some transparency.

Too often I find myself sharing only the publication news, and maybe that does my readers a disservice. I personally don't dwell too much on rejections, and so don't often talk about them. Not because they're taboo, but I just assume everyone gets tired of listening to writers talk about rejection. But I want you, dear reader, to know that success, however you define it, comes from hard work and struggle and perseverance.

The life of the writer is just as messy as any other. But I’m trying, and I think that’s all we can do. I hope you’ll try, too!